Seeing yourself making the same mistakes you have made before, is synonymous to watching the rain falling around you like a sunrise. No matter how hard you try to fight against the rain it falls; hitting the ground with a sort of musical laughter at your futile attempts. Sometimes, I think with a sigh, mistakes must happen. For reasons I neither know of nor can precisely understand, mistakes are the only way I learn anything. I can hear the protests all around me. Foolish loved ones desperately trying to stop me, yet I persist and fight until I have dug yet another hole of which I cannot leave.
The light pours in from the cleverly crafted bay windows, making the bright colors of my queen-sized bed sheets seem to dance in the delight of a new day. I turn my head slightly as to not awaken Next. Silently I laugh at the growl erupting from him, signaling a slumber that a nuclear bomb could not interrupt. “Finally!” I exclaimed, rejoicing in this brief time of peace where I do not fall prey to his never quenching thirst for affection.
“Do you love me baby?” Next says in a pleading voice, “Love me baby, c’mon please, show me that you love me so I can feel you baby.”
His Somali curls cascading around his chocolate, angelic face contoured in focus and desire with eyes now turned black with lust as he moves rapidly on top of me as if to conquer me from the inside out; what is left of me that is.
There has to be more. More than faking your way through the same orgasm like clockwork, having the same argument that progressively worsens with each day, relishing the time when you are apart from your lover, distorting your face with pleasure and happiness as your mind looks upon him with disdain and your heart weeps for him with pity. More than empty men with hallow heads, lonely nights and dreadful days, more than aimless conversation and inevitable break-ups. I want more! Fuck that I deserve more. Imperfection and mistakes are human, so to say I deserve what I have because of the mistakes I have made is incorrect. I deserve what I allow. I allowed Next into my life. I allowed myself to tolerate what I absolutely could not stand, and since I stood for nothing I fell for anything. You see Next is a name I give to all of the guys I meet. Over time I realized that this guy was biding time until my next guy came. Therefore names for them are irrelevant, so I use Next. My relationships have been few and far between. To be nineteen and this tired is the saddest thing to admit. On the contrary, admitting I have a problem is the first step to solving it and the solution is clearer than a desert sky on a summer night. No one can control if and to whom they fall, they can only control their acceptance of that fall.
As Next shudders and begins to speak incoherently, aggressively rolling to my side, I look at the ceiling with a smile on my face and think to myself, “and so it begins.”
Later That Day…
As a would-be college student I would be expected to give a shit about the goings on of my colligate community. OH NO! I seem to have misplaced my student “I give a shit” ID and don’t seem to care enough to buy a new one. I sit atop the concrete wall surrounding SCAD (that’s the Student Center for Activities and Development) with the other self-proclaimed free-thinking individuals participating in the outsider’s favorite activity: people watching. The sound of my combat boots hitting the wall beneath my floor length paisley skirt seem to be in perfect harmony with my gum as I struggle to tame the lion’s mane that is my hair. “Fhh,” I think frustrated “if I wasn’t afraid of having a lumpy, Milk Dud head I’d shave it all off and call it a day!”
“’Lo! Ay Lo..” In-Alaj says in a whisper, that sounds like a shout, to get my attention. I turn my head slightly in the direction that his large hand was pointing and oh do I see a lovely sight. It is none other than Simone. Shaking vivaciously against whichever DPi is next in line which, might I add is longer than her hair extensions, to this semester’s song of choice ‘Bandz Will Make Her Dance’.
“Am I supposed to be surprised by this?” I say with a bored expression on my face, “It ain’t like we haven’t seen her do that before.”
“Bruh, not her” In-Alajmutters while trying to muffle his laughter “the nigga she been dancin’ on fah the past ten minutes!” Upon saying this he can’t hold itback anymore and starts laughing so much, he nearly falls off the wall.
“Oh shit!” I unknowingly sayaloud, “Please tell me that that ain’t who I think it is! TELL ME this shit ain’t real!” My mouth agape in shock as my eyes squint in disgust, I thrust myself off of the wall, pushing past the captivated audience surrounding Simone and Lux. Aggressively, I grab Lux by his collar and pull him off of Simone.
“What the fuck are you doing!” I say, my voice trembling with anger. Lux continues to ignore me, so I turn his face to mine. Upon which I find myself staring back into a glassy eyed shell of my best friend, lovingly staring at Simone as she stands; ass out hair flipping smiling like the shit is all good.
“What happened to you?” I say to Lux in a pleading voice, “This is not funny c’mon, what happened to you? Did She do this to you? Did you take something? Please Lux, talk to me!” I say my voice getting progressively louder as I realize I am now shaking him violently, the formally entertained crowd now wears a look of confusion. I didn’t realize In-Alaj had been behind me this whole time, slowly trying to pull me away.
“Lo,” In-Alaj says in hushed tones, “its time to go. If he wanna do this then let him.”
“Do you see his fucking face!” I yell spinning around with an incredulous look on my face daring him to try me “Do you! This ain’t him! This is her and you know it! He was startin’ to act like him again, he was happy. But nah, she can’t have that shit; if you can’t be happy with her then you can’t be happy right? Well fuck you!” I say punching Lux’s chest fighting back tears “Fuck you and your sorry ass ex! I hope you’re real fucking happy with her triflin’ ass and I hope you get all that y’all fucking deserve! Fuck you and fuck you!” I say turning to look Simone dead in her eye.
Clap. Clap. Clap. Click Click Click. Are the only sounds you can hear in this deafly silent audience, captivated by the drama. Simone slowly struts towards me, switching her hips as if we came just to watch her boogie ass walk across the side walk. Her very existence pisses me the fuck off, makes bile gurgle in my throat, causing convulsions in my gag reflex and she don’t even have to talk. I remember the very moment I saw how evil she was. It’s funny…she used to be more than a friend, I think as I laugh to myself, hell we couldn’t have been closer if we shared the same blood. They called us Sisters of the Spinning Posts and I was the rod she spun from, I think with a sigh, but that shit was a long time ago.
“Were you always this dramatic or did I always not give a fuck about you? Maybe it was both.” Simone says with an eerie smile stretching across seemingly angelic mahogany-colored skin. It’s taking me all I have not to lay her out right now, but I just stand here with trembling fists eyes squinting.
“You have to have a heart to have feelings. Actually,” I say looking side to side leaning closer to her ear “I’m surprised you didn’t burst into flames, it being day light and all?” Simone jerks back like I was a pile of shit on the sidewalk she almost stepped in.
“Did I SAY you could come near me? I don’t know who the hell you think you talking to but it damn sure aint me!” Simone exclaims, flipping her hair so it smacks me in the face as she throws her head back in laughter. The surrounding crowd erupts in laughter at the spectacle. You’d have thought I was a lion springing on a gazelle the way I snatched her hair bending her head back so her beat face stared at mine.
“Get off of me you crazy bitch!” Simone shouts trying and failing to yank away from me. I slip into a quiet and suddenly it’s just Simone and I. I look her dead in her eye, not blinking for what seems like a lifetime. I give her this look; you know the one that says stop now?
“Watch yourself, because you know I’m the LAST one to fuck with.” My voice a terrifying mixture of rage and calm that sent chills down my spine.
I quickly release Simone’s hair sending her crashing onto the concrete. A satisfied smirk crawls across my face as I watch the brief moments of fear in her face. In-Alaj starts pulling me away from the crowd as I look at Simone while slowly licking my lips.
“I’m good, I’m good, alright? Shit Laj let me go.” I say wringing myself away from Laj’s protective grasp. After we are a safe distance away from SCAD, I throw my head back in laughter as Laj and I walk through the campus Dead Zone.
“The fuck is wrong witchu? You always let ol’girl get to you.” Laj says while throwing his hands to his face in frustration. I, however, haven’t stopped laughing and Laj’s statement just made it worse.
“You serious? Please. That bitch couldn’t get to me wit a ten foot pole. After all she did to Lux I couldn’t just watch her ass play him like a puppet!” I say while climbing onto the wall, spreading my arms out, and putting one foot in front of the other.
“That ain’t our choice to make and you know it.” Laj says slowing down so we are going at the same pace. “This ain’t just about him and you know it.” I stop dead in my tracks, leaping off the wall so Laj and I are standing eye to eye.
“Why you gotta go there?” I say as my eyes plead with him to drop this.
“Cuz you ain’t never LEFT there.” Laj says in a both serious and mocking tone. I’ll never admit it but he’s right
After all, you never forget your First.